Once again I have been bombarded with an e-mail from one of my three readers demanding answers to burning issues. Apparently the birthday meal posting crossed some sort of line in the sand. I shall attempt to regain my honour in this reader's eyes and by doing so forestall johnny-come-lately copycat complaints from you other two by letting you into a couple of (until now) closely-guarded trade secrets.
"Why do you use such transparently made-up names for the businesses you revile? Are you afraid that their legal representatives will ask you to prove the vile slanders you level at them?
First let me point out that that was actually two questions, each requiring a lengthy answer. Don't blame me if you doze off before the end.
I do indeed shroud the guilty parties behind clever aliases, which I construct using a cunning cryptographic technique, ensuring that the actual business name cannot be discerned without recourse to advanced code-breaking skills. This is indeed to protect myself from the rabid attacks of the never-to-be-sufficiently-damned legal "profession", a bunch of slavering zomboids with too much time on their hands and very inventive minds when it comes to legal harrasment. One need only examine the public record in New York, and on Long Island particularly for examples of the nitwit lengths these people will go to to secure monetary damages for some imagined slight. The fact that I have no money or property worth any money would only dawn on them after they had instigated their baseless complaints and ruined my reputation. Swines.
"This seems monstrously unreasonable! You very occasionally offer otherwise worthless Brownie Points when they get things right. Isn't it unfair that we, the readers, will be unable to properly assign the credit to the real-world business you have so cravenly obscured behind a fictional façade, all to avoid some as-yet unspecified attempt by such a business to receive legal redress for one of your slanderous op-ed pieces?"
"So you have no problem that by this cowardly forced anonymity you deprive these fine businesses of possible increased revenues, a just reward for services rendered in exemplary fashion?"
Nope, none at all. I give these buggers so much Steviecash that they should shut the bleep up and count their blessings. If any one of them ever gives me service above and beyond the call of duty, I will assign clear credit. Don't hold yer breath.
"You are not a nice person".
That is not a question.